‘It’s nonsense. Utter nonsense. That retched little twerp doesn’t appreciate a thing’, the cabbage thought to itself as it sat in the vegetable drawer of mum’s fridge.
“Us cabbages can’t help that our anxieties and constant put downs by these sugar balls make us fart. If you’re going to put us down and constantly moan about us, of course we’re not going to feel confident. And it makes us fart,” the cabbage said to the strawberries. “Just because you guys have a nice red colour and high sugar content, it doesn’t mean you’re better than us. We fight cancer you know. Back in the good old days, they used to say that we were full of moon power because we only grew at night”.
The strawberries huddled together, trying to block out the awful stench of Cabbage’s farts. Unable to talk back due to the awful smell, being locked in by the airtight fridge door, two of the strawberries began to choke and decay”.
“Cabbage, stop!” said banana. “You’re killing the strawberries with your toxic bottom! Think of being made into a nice soup or eaten by a lovely old lady will you, before you kill us all!”.
Two small tears ran down the side of Cabbage, reducing its body content from 94% water to approximately 92.19827340%.
“I’ve done it again. I’m sorry guys. I’m really sorry.”
What people don’t actually realise, is usually, cabbages smell of roses. Well, not quite roses, but pleasant. It’s not until they get anxious or self-conscious that they begin to fart and in turn, smell and taste of bum gas.
“Listen, I’m sorry me old mucka, but you’re a hazard. You’re a death sentence. We need to get rid of him before he kills us all,” protested the British Potato.
“How about you keep you and your thick skin shut!” shouted Cabbage. “My farts don’t even penetrate your ignorant wall of starch, so back off you root!”. Potato’s claims were slightly unfair, although warranted, given Strawberry’s gassy death.
What people also don’t realise is that with the right care, love and attention, the potential life span of a cabbage is 10 years- the same as a common toad. Have you ever heard of 10-year-old cabbage? No? Thought not. It’s like fairies- you’ve never met one because every time someone says that they don’t believe, one drops dead. Through the years, the non-believers have seriously outweighed the believers. The whole farting problem really has been detrimental to the longevity of a cabbage’s life. Every time a cabbage farts, the heat evaporates some of its inner fluid, causing it to dehydrate until it’s so dry it perishes; in the current climate and mass cabbage negativity, the current life expectancy of a cabbage is about 5 days- some 3645 days short of the golden years. Everyone grows up thinking
cabbage’s taste of fart; cabbages know it, so they fart even more. It’s what we call a catch-22.
‘We just need some cabbage believers’, thought cabbage. As well as some more farts, a master plan was brewing.
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